After She Broke The Cycle

She looked around at life and just knew.. "when I grow up, it's going to be different."

I'm not going to treat my kids this way.  I'm not gonna live like that. 

I'm never going to be "like that.'

When I grow up, it's gonna be different.

And it was.

She made sure to make different choices.  She trusted in Jesus, and decided that there had to be something else.

She took care of other people well, got the job, and achieved more than people around her expected.

And sometimes, it didn't even really feel like a choice.  It's just what she knew to do.

And doing it different... the career, the family, the pleasing others, the serving gave her a sense of safety.

She'd broken the cycle.  Things were so much more predictable when she was in control.   

Not to mention, the good feelings that came with being able to make others happy.

But then one day, she began to realize just how tired she had become...

just how much the busyness of her racing mind was preventing her from being able to relax.

just how much the weightiness of it all was holding her back.... and constantly pushing her forward.. all at the same time

And she wondered.... "could this be different too?".... and  "how will I go on if it can't?"

And this time, it wasn't an address she needed to change, or a goal she had to chase, or a person she had to please.

This time... it was something inside that needed to change.

It was the burrage of beliefs that seemed to direct the path of her days...   "I have to be perfect, I have to be in control, I cannot disappoint anyone, I should be..." and so on...

-the beliefs she knew to be false in her wisest self, but the ones that felt true in her core

-the false beliefs that would fall away as she read scripture, but then pummel her mind again throughout the day, and sometimes in the dark of night.

It was the way her body held the tension of always being "on," that made it difficult to move with freedom.

It was all the ways she'd adapted to hard things, the self protection that somehow felt like a cage.

Life without these seemed almost impossible.

But she dared to hope.  And because she did she moved forward.

She recognized that the things holding her back were not who she was, but the emotional leftovers from a season that had already passed. 

She feared the flood of emotions that might come if she were ever able to relax.

And yet.. she chose to anyway.

• She discovered that she didn't need the self criticism to achieve high.
• She didn't need the shame to be a good person.
• She didn't need the tension to protect herself.
• She learned that self compassion was possible. 

And that the TRUTH she found in God's word.. was also true for her. 

She moved through the fear of letting go, and found the freedom she was always meant to enjoy.

She came to more easily rest in God's provision and gave up the need to constantly be in motion. 

She found a lightness inside that matched the smile on her face, she embraced the compliments, was able to give from a place of freedom and relax without feeling guilty. 

And she lived more happily everafter!

(And if you're a cycle breaker... this is possible for you too!)

~Rochelle